The Psycology of Being Fat

 Here is a little Brain Chemistry 101 for you.  Your brain produces four different chemical that are responsible for making you experience pleasure.  The four chemicals are endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine.  Dopamine is the chemical that makes you feel pleasure when you experience food.  Every time you smell, eat, or even think about food the production of dopamine is triggered and you feel happy.  When you stop and think about it, this response makes sense in terms of our survival.  If we didn't experience pleasure when eating, we wouldn't eat, and we would die.  Responding with pleasure to food is a very primal instinct.  (So the next time someone accuses you of being an emotional eater, point out that we are all emotional eaters, hence the survival of our species on the planet earth.)  But being severely overweight throws this system off balance.

A 2001 study by the U.S. Department of Energy's Brookhaven National Laboratory investigated the difference in brain activity between people who were obese (having a BMI greater than 40, in this particular study) and people who were of average weight.  Their findings fascinate me!  In a nut shell, scientists found that the people who were obese experienced greater amounts of dopamine when they thought about food than people who were of average weight.  However, they also found that the same obese people experienced far LESS dopamine when actually eating.  So basically, when a fat person imagines eating, she gets very happy, but when she actually eats the pleasure is not as intense.  So she eats more in an attempt to reach the same levels of euphoria that thinking about food gave her.  It’s similar, in a way, to a drug addict who is always chasing that high, unable to attain the same intensity that he first experienced. 

How does this affect my weight loss efforts?  I’m not sure.  But it does fascinate me.  If you believe in mind over matter, then this information can be very helpful.  I think, in the very least, its interesting and encouraging to learn how the brain works and how my brain chemistry responds to food.  I sincerely believe that knowledge is power, and that the more I understand about how my body works, the better I can help it work for me instead of against me.  

Most Important Meal of the Day

More than one person has told me lately that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  As a busy mom with children who generally get up very early in the morning, I usually sleep as long as I can and grab something small and portable for breakfast (like coffee or a piece of toast) between changing diapers and feeding the kids.  But according to my much thinner and fitness conscious friends, it is not only important to eat breakfast every day, but also important to eat a good, hearty breakfast.  In fact, if you think about it, it really makes sense to eat the biggest meal of the day first, and the smallest meal last – the opposite of how most people in our culture eat.  Today, however, I was able to give the “big breakfast” method a try. 

Thanks to my dedicated husband, who is much more of a morning person than me, I had a GREAT and BIG breakfast.  He cooked me 2 slices of rye toast with butter, 2 over-easy eggs, about a cup of sliced, fresh cantaloupe, and 8 ounces of soy milk.  (Plus a cup of coffee, of course!)  I have to say that eating a good meal first thing in the morning not only gave me energy and a positive outlook on the day ahead, but it also encouraged me to eat less throughout the morning.  What I usually do is grab a piece of toast when I can, quickly burn off those nutrient-starved calories, then half an hour later start looking for snacks.  This leads me to feed my face with unhealthy carbohydrates like crackers and cookies or cereal all morning.  Today, however, I ate breakfast at 7:15am and was able to resist snacking until around 11:00am when I ate another piece of toast, then held off again until lunch at 1:30pm.  I not only felt physically full, but emotionally I felt satisfied that I had eaten a great breakfast and started the day off right. 

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure and honesty, I will tell you that my great day ended rather poorly with about 2 dozen chocolate covered mini-pretzels.  That was just something I could not say NO to today.  However, I am NOT going to let myself feel defeated because of that.  I will be proud of the times when I was able to resist overeating, and just put the other times behind me.  I will wake up tomorrow to a brand new day FULL of opportunities to make better choices.  Until then, I raise my mug of decaf herbal tea to a job well done today, and hope for an even better one tomorrow. 

Just Say NO

Every other time in my life that I have tried to lose weight, I have always focused on what I DID eat.  I kept food journals, I counted points, I counted calories, I counted fruits and veggies.  It can be a helpful tool, no doubt, but the problem comes when I have a bad day and my food journal suddenly jumps from carrot sticks and apples to chocolate cake and ice cream.  Then the food journal is tainted, I feel guilty, I eat more crap in order to feel better, then I feel more guilty, and the cycle repeats.  So in order to avoid such drama, today I will focus on what I did NOT eat.  Sometimes saying “no” to bad food is just as important as saying “yes” to good ones.  Here’s the play-by-play:

9:30 – Said NO to homemade biscuits at Bible study.  (Said YES to fresh fruit and yogurt instead.)

12:30 – Said NO to hot chocolate after church. 

4:35 – Said NO to eating handfuls of pretzels as I prepared dinner. 

9:15 – Said NO to cereal after the kids went to bed.  (Said YES to a big mug of decaf hot tea.)  

 I feel proud of the times I said, “NO” today.  I will try to say NO again tomorrow when I am faced with temptations.  Sometimes I have to go through a little dialogue in my head when I am having a hard time saying NO, and it helps immensely.  For example, today when I saw those gorgeous, fluffy, steaming biscuits my heart was screaming, “Oh my god, eat them all!”  But my head said, “Reb, these are biscuits.  You have had biscuits before.  You know what biscuits taste like.  You will undoubtedly have the opportunity to eat biscuits again.  So today, in the interest of your weight loss goals, just say NO.”  And so I did.  And it felt good.  One time at a Weight Watcher’s meeting someone told me, “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” and I often remind myself of that one, too.  I don’t feel thin just yet, but I do feel somewhat more in control, and it feels better than eating those biscuits. 

The Blame Game

Many people will read this blog post or listen to me talk about my weight struggles, and they will say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you just had a baby 3 months ago, give yourself some time.”  I appreciate the thought, but I am here tell you that there isn’t a baby this side of the equator big enough to account for 60 lbs. of back fat!  Sure, having 2 children in the past 2 years may have been a contributing factor to my weight struggles, but let’s be honest, folks, this is no one’s fault but my own. 

After having ridden the weight roller coaster my entire adult life thus far, I have played the blame game more than once.  In addition to blaming my children for my weight gain, I like to blame my job, my lack of a job, the weather, the holidays, the media, my metabolism, and my husband.  But I just can’t blame someone or something else anymore.   

I think a fat person admitting that her obesity is no one’s fault but her own is like an alcoholic admitting that he has a problem; it’s the first step in the right direction.  If I can admit that I habitually over eat and no one is forcing me to do it, then I can be accountable for my actions, and perhaps begin to exhibit enough self control to put down the donuts and pick up some carrot sticks.  So that’s what this blog entry is all about: publicly admitting to you, my adoring cyber space audience, and myself, that I over eat, I don’t exercise, and I alone am responsible for being overweight.  Today I commit to taking responsibility for my actions and to make healthier choices, no matter what holiday I am celebrating, no matter how good those free cookie samples at the grocery store look, no matter how tired or upset or hungry I am.  I am in control, and from now on I will start acting like it. 

POST SCRIPT: I weighted myself this morning for the first time in weeks, and I am reporting that the scale read 205 lbs.  I didn’t necessarily make any healthier choices today, BUT I did resist snacking incessantly between meals.  I tried to put a coffee or and ice water in my hand instead of an ice cream sandwich or coffee cake.  It is a baby step, but it’s a baby step in the right direction. 

The Fat Diaries: Intro

On a clear and sunny Saturday morning in upstate New York a beautiful, blushing bride is waltzing down the aisle.  Her body resembles that of an ancient Greek goddess: her slight curves and gentle angles are sexy and attractive, her skin is fair and soft, she is humble but confident.  She is slightly below 150 lbs. and wears a size 10 wedding gown.  She is not skinny, but she is fit and healthy and radiant.  She is gorgeous….

That woman was me: 5 years, 2 babies, and 60 lbs. ago.  As I sit on my bed today in frumpy sweats to write this essay, I am now 208 lbs. and wear a size 18.  My curves could no longer be called gentle or attractive.  I am not fit or healthy or radiant.  In short, I am fat.  I didn’t become fat over night.  It happened slowly.  My sexy-single-woman size 10 gradually gave way to a married-woman size 14, then a post-baby size 16, and finally a post-baby-number-two size 18.  On the outside I am large, but on the inside I feel so very small and powerless. 

Why do I publicly share this shame?  Because hiding my guilt and humiliation behind a box of donuts every night as I sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself is no longer working for me.  Stepping on the elliptical machine once every two weeks then picking up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the way home is no longer working for me.  Feeling too embarrassed, depressed, yet ironically unmotivated to make any significant change in my life is no longer working for me.  I hope that by sharing my story I can face my shame head on and start the journey of reclaiming my body. 

Let’s face it, it’s so much easier to become fat than it is to stay thin, and when you have husbands and dogs and babies and mountains of laundry to take care of, sometimes you let yourself become the last priority.  Well, I am done with that…

I am done feeling sorry for myself.  I am done over and pretending it never happened.  I am done feeling unworthy of love and admiration because I can’t wear the same jeans I did 5 years ago.  I am ready to stop crying and starting working towards a better me. 

So please walk with me on this journey as I share with you the ups and downs of losing the weight.  I’ll be honest with you as I have good days of great success, and I’ll tell you the truth when I have bad days and binge on half of an apple pie at night.  This is my personal story of struggle and heart ache, but hopefully, in the end, success.  This is the fat diaries.