The Fat Diaries: Intro

On a clear and sunny Saturday morning in upstate New York a beautiful, blushing bride is waltzing down the aisle.  Her body resembles that of an ancient Greek goddess: her slight curves and gentle angles are sexy and attractive, her skin is fair and soft, she is humble but confident.  She is slightly below 150 lbs. and wears a size 10 wedding gown.  She is not skinny, but she is fit and healthy and radiant.  She is gorgeous….

That woman was me: 5 years, 2 babies, and 60 lbs. ago.  As I sit on my bed today in frumpy sweats to write this essay, I am now 208 lbs. and wear a size 18.  My curves could no longer be called gentle or attractive.  I am not fit or healthy or radiant.  In short, I am fat.  I didn’t become fat over night.  It happened slowly.  My sexy-single-woman size 10 gradually gave way to a married-woman size 14, then a post-baby size 16, and finally a post-baby-number-two size 18.  On the outside I am large, but on the inside I feel so very small and powerless. 

Why do I publicly share this shame?  Because hiding my guilt and humiliation behind a box of donuts every night as I sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself is no longer working for me.  Stepping on the elliptical machine once every two weeks then picking up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the way home is no longer working for me.  Feeling too embarrassed, depressed, yet ironically unmotivated to make any significant change in my life is no longer working for me.  I hope that by sharing my story I can face my shame head on and start the journey of reclaiming my body. 

Let’s face it, it’s so much easier to become fat than it is to stay thin, and when you have husbands and dogs and babies and mountains of laundry to take care of, sometimes you let yourself become the last priority.  Well, I am done with that…

I am done feeling sorry for myself.  I am done over and pretending it never happened.  I am done feeling unworthy of love and admiration because I can’t wear the same jeans I did 5 years ago.  I am ready to stop crying and starting working towards a better me. 

So please walk with me on this journey as I share with you the ups and downs of losing the weight.  I’ll be honest with you as I have good days of great success, and I’ll tell you the truth when I have bad days and binge on half of an apple pie at night.  This is my personal story of struggle and heart ache, but hopefully, in the end, success.  This is the fat diaries.