The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Today has been a series of major successes and failures, and as promised, I am going to share them all with you – the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Today started off with an excellent, healthy breakfast.  I had 2 slices of whole wheat toast with my new-found favorite product, powdered peanut butter.  I got the kids dressed and ready, then rushed off to the YMCA so I could take my very first spinning class.  I never ever thought that I would want to participate in a spinning class (that’s for skinny people, right?) but I really liked it.  It was a great workout – good burn but not too strenuous, and the teacher was really good at helping a beginner like me feel successful.  I picked up the kids from the YMCA childcare room and headed home for lunch and naps….

Then the stress began.  The afternoon was basically a 2 hour long marathon of poopy diapers, spilled food, bumps on heads, crying, and eventually naps.  During this time I have to confess that I was eating… the entire time.  I wish that I was not in the habit of using food as a coping mechanism, but I am, and today I fell victim to that habit.

I ate a good lunch – peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread, an apple, and a yogurt.  Then I ate another piece of bread with PB, then a bunch of pistachio nuts, and finally, after the kids were in bed, an entire package of Ramen Noodles.  It was basically a big stress induced snacking fest.  It was really bad. 

I recovered from the afternoon fairly well, and had a great dinner – veggie and pasta strew, made by my husband.  Then after dinner he went off to play church softball for the evening, leaving me with the kids, and the stress eating began again.  More PB and bread, of course, then a brownie.  It was ugly. 

I have been doing a superb job of not stress eating lately, and an excellent job of not eating at night.  Tonight, however, the stress just got to me.  It’s almost like I have a certain amount of emotional energy to use, and when everything is going well I can use that energy towards NOT eating.  But when things start to fall apart, I use the energy towards getting things done (like taking care of the kids when they are both crying) and I have no energy left to resist food.  So I binge.  I want to change that about myself, but I’ll be honest with you, it’s really hard. 

When you are so used to using food as a coping mechanism it is very difficult to resist in the midst of a mini crisis. (Like my toddler dumping an entire canister of flour all over the kitchen floor and himself, for example.)  Clearly I need to find another coping mechanism and train myself to use that instead of shoveling carbohydrates into my face.  I don’t think the problem is a lack of better options, its that those option don’t yet sound as good as eating.  In all honesty, it’s probably going to take a long time for me to learn to turn to things other than food when I need a release from stress.  This may not be the last time I screw up, but that doesn’t mean I stop trying.  I can recover from my bad day, and I can try again tomorrow.  And I will.